Simply put:  I’m annoyed all to hell.  I am sick of people fucking being inconsiderate.  I am sick of people taking and taking, until I’m empty.  I give..and I give..and I give some fucking more.  However, when I need someone to give?  It’s the worst thing in the ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD. 

I am tired of being the “go-to” person. 

I am simply tired of being taken advantage of, and then shunned when I point this out to those that partake in it. 

I feel..used. 

And I’m done.

Do you know how fucking easy it would be to barely eat, and then throw up everything that I would eat?  To spend hours working out, until I can’t move?  Yeah, been THERE done THAT.  It’s called an addiction for a reason.  

It almost landed me in the hospital.  Had I not been so stubborn – I probably would have been a lot better, had I GONE to the fucking hospital.  

Do you know how sweet that addiction is?  How alluring the pull of absurdity is?  My body aches sometimes, because I know how easy it is.  Because even though it’s hell 75% of the time, that 25% …is fucking eden.  It’s the results, the secret, the delicious pain. 

It’s hard to find happiness through a healthy route – yet it’s possible and so very tangible to me.  It’s toying with my finger tips..and I’ve almost got my hand locked around it. 

For the first time, I’m able to speak.  I’ve found my voice, and I have a lot to say.  It’s not always easy, and almost painful to rip those words from my throat – but it’s improving.

Andrew is so patient with me.  I love him so damn much, knowing that it would have been so easy for him to walk away – and he stayed.  To know that I hurt him over and over, pushing and pulling..only to have him pull me to reality.  Only to have him pull me to the surface when I was drowning.  You can only tread water for so long, before you need a lifesaver. 

So much is in my head – this smoke and mirrors of emotions is getting a little old. 

I let things get to me, yet if I don’t..arn’t I reverting back to the heartless me?

I need to just stand up for myself, and today was step 1.

I am so tired, but it feels awesome to be back in the groove of things at work.  I’m still struggling a little bit with my serving skills, but it’s getting better.  I’m starting to be able to remember full orders, and go from memory without having to look at the order form.  That’s pretty exciting.

School starts in less 18 days, and I can’t wait.  Daddy wanted me to take fewer classes so I don’t overwhelm myself, because I tend to regress back to the way I use to be when I’m overwhelmed.  When I’m so focused on school and work, I retreat into myself and keep everyone at arms length.  I know, not healthy – nor is it fair to daddy.

So, I’ve lost three pounds so far ;D  I’m beyond happy about that, because it’s something that I’m trying really hard to do, you know?  My knee is finally feeling better, so I’ll be able to go back to the gym soon.  If I’m doing pilates at home, then I can use to the gym to do cardio and weight training. 

I don’t need to lose weight in my legs, but cardio will burn fat everywhere too.  So, I do need that in my regimin as well.  Daddy and I set my first goal, and I only have ten more pounds to go!  I should reward myself or something when I reach that goal.  I’ll ask daddy what he thinks. 

So, lastnight was a breakthrough for me.  I finally had a BREAKDOWN, and started bawling my eyes out on the phone with daddy.  I became so overwhelmed with love and desire for him, that I realized that he honestly IS everything to me.  He’s honestly my world.  I love him beyond words or expression, all I could say is..he’s my life, the air I breathe and the hope that fills me up..all him. 

Okay, I’m done eating – so I’m going to call daddy back.  ;D

I was sent home early from work..again.  We got slammed with people, and my other hostess dind’t show up.  So, I had to hustle like hell to get these people sat.  I think the adrenaline kicked off finally, and my leg almost buckled.  I know I’m healing at a slower rate, which pisses me off regardless, but I need to hurry up and be better.

I’m going to the gym today, and I’m going to do my best to do the exercises.  I’m going to definitely push myself with the at-home ones, because I’m limited on the leg-focused exercises.  I feel like a gimp.

I wish I had a father like Dean.  He’s a great guy, and a good father.  I wish my real dad was like that, it’d be nice to know that my dad cares about me. 

I know I have my daddy, and that’s all that really truly matters.  He’s been hard on me lately, and I know that’s not easy for him.  He has to push me, because I’m not pushing myself enough..or at all.  I love him so much, I’m so lucky to have him ;D

I think daddy will be proud of how much I work out today.  I’m going to get that drive back.  I NEED the drive back. 

Okay, I need to nap for a little bit.  I’m exhausted, because I kept waking up lastnight to the thunder.  I had bad dreams, but that’s what’s great about nightmares – you always wake up.

So, daddy told me to work out for two hours – I only worked out for an hour and a half.  I hope he’s not going to be disapointed.  My knee started hurting though, and I DID go in the suana for a while.  Soo..I’m pretty sure he’ll be okay with it.

You know, my weight is an issue for me.  In general, I’m comfortable with myself.  It’s when I’m with someone else that I start getting insecure about it.  Like, why would you want someone that is overweight when you’re able to have “super model” looking females?  I just feel a little bad about myself sometimes when I think this, you know?

I was bulimic when I was sixteen.  I lost like sixty pounds from vomiting and excessive working out.  I really damaged my metabolism after that, and the acid ate away some of the enamal on my teeth – I’m sure.  I know you’re never really recovered, because I still have those urges.  I’ll eat something and think “I shouldn’t have eaten that, it’d be so easy to get rid of this problem..so fucking easy” and I don’t..I just go to the gym and work out steadily – not excessively.  However, the temptation is so there.

I don’t know – I’m feeling a little panicky right now.  I’m feeling like things are overwhelming me, and I know it’ll pass in an hour or two, but for the time being?  Panicked.  I have these small panic attacks, and they can seriously break me down to where I’m sobbing and feeling hopeless. 

As much as I try to run from the demons, they always seem to find me – and they always have bigger teeth and claws than last time.

I need to get this aggression out.  I need Daddy ;/